Effective Date: Whenever you first looked in our general direction
Last Updated: Probably while you were reading this
At the Malevolent Bank of Oblivion, we take your privacy very seriously.
Not seriously enough to protect it, obviously. But seriously enough to produce this Privacy Policy.
By opening an account, applying for a loan, downloading our mobile app, using an ATM, visiting our website, entering one of our branches, calling customer service, receiving an email from us, or standing suspiciously close to someone who does any of those things, you acknowledge and enthusiastically consent to the practices described below.
Technical legal term: “You’re cool with it.”
We collect information necessary to provide banking services.
We also collect information that isn’t necessary because data storage is remarkably inexpensive these days.
This may include:
We may also collect inferences about you.
For example:
Customer purchased gas at 2:13 a.m., coffee at 2:26 a.m., and antacids at 3:04 a.m.
Our analytics department has classified this as “a rough night.”
Our website uses cookies.
Not the good kind.
Cookies help us remember your preferences, analyze website traffic, improve services, track interactions, and answer the important question:
“What exactly was Steve doing on the checking-account page for 47 minutes?”
Selecting “Reject All” allows you to experience the pleasant sensation of having clicked a button.
We may use your personal information to:
Our sophisticated artificial intelligence systems may also analyze your financial behavior.
For example:
AI: “Customer appears interested in financial independence.”
Evidence: Customer Googled “how to retire at 42” during a Monday morning staff meeting.
Confidence: 99.7%
We do not sell your personal information.
We strategically monetize mutually beneficial data-sharing relationships.
This is completely different.
Recipients may include:
We cannot disclose Dave’s role.
Dave knows why.
The Malevolent Bank Mobile App may request access to:
Camera
For mobile deposit.
Location
For finding nearby branches.
Contacts
We have an explanation for this.
Microphone
Again, explanation forthcoming.
Bluetooth
Look, you’re asking a lot of questions.
Photos
Okay, now this is beginning to feel adversarial.
You may disable permissions through your device settings.
Some banking features may consequently stop functioning.
Other completely unrelated features may also stop functioning because we designed them that way.
We maintain administrative, technical, and physical safeguards designed to protect customer information.
These include industry-leading technologies such as:
PLEASE STOP CLICKING LINKS FROM “MICROSOFT SECURITY.”
Our cybersecurity team continuously monitors threats.
Our employees continuously provide them with new ones.
It is a highly collaborative environment.
We believe customers should have control over their personal information.
Accordingly, you may choose:
☐ Allow us to use your information
☐ Allow us to use your information enthusiastically
☐ Remind me later
☐ I have read all 46 pages of this policy and would like someone to check on me
We retain personal information only as long as reasonably necessary.
Our definition of “reasonably necessary” has been reviewed extensively by our Legal Department and currently means:
Until the heat death of the universe.
After that, records will be securely destroyed in accordance with our Information Destruction Policy, assuming the universe remains operational.
We may use artificial intelligence to improve customer service, detect fraud, manage risk, and create personalized experiences.
Our AI systems may occasionally make observations such as:
“This customer normally purchases groceries at 5:30 p.m. but purchased frozen pizza at 11:48 p.m.”
No action will be taken.
But the system is disappointed in you.
Despite our extensive security controls, no organization can guarantee absolute security.
In the unlikely event of a security incident, we will:
IncidentTracker_FINAL_v7_ACTUALFINAL.xlsx.We may update this Privacy Policy periodically.
Significant changes will be communicated through one or more of the following:
Continued use of our services constitutes acceptance.
Naturally.
Questions about this Privacy Policy may be directed to:
Malevolent Bank of Oblivion
Office of Privacy, Surveillance & Miscellaneous Data Acquisition
1 Malevolent Plaza
Oblivion, WY 66666
Email: privacy@malevolentbank.example
For privacy complaints, please include your:
Wait.
Please do not send those last four.
Security would like a word with whoever wrote this policy.
Your privacy matters.
Which is precisely why we’ve collected so much information about it.
Bank of Oblivion
Your money. Your data. Our business model.